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Deadpan Panto

#1
Several years ago at a Guiders weekend away I took part in a deadpan panto of Cinderella, I found the script but wondered if anyone knew if there were any other deadpan panto scripts out there.
 

fenris

fenris
GuiderPlus
#2
Several years ago at a Guiders weekend away I took part in a deadpan panto of Cinderella, I found the script but wondered if anyone knew if there were any other deadpan panto scripts out there.
I've written a few . . .

Basically, work out the basic plotline of the panto (Wikipedia can help with this!). Then trim it right down to a minimal number of scenes to get the story across, and the minimum number of characters . . . Then you can work out the catch phrases and start drafting!
 

fenris

fenris
GuiderPlus
#6
THE STORY OF SNOW WHITE


There are seven characters, Narrator (N), Snow White (SW), Handsome Prince (HP) The Wicked Queen (WQ) The Huntsman (H) The Dwarves (D) and the Mirror (M). They need not wear special costumes but it helps if they are identifiable e.g. (N) top hat or bowler, (SW) a bow in her hair, (HP) a cardboard crown, (WQ) a high collar or a crown, (H) a green hat or gun, (D) a suitable hat, (M) holding a piece of foil on card, or a mirror. Aim for the most incongruous casting option – e.g. the ‘dwarves’ being the tallest person in the group!


The seven characters sit facing the audience on chairs set in a row, and should have totally blank expressions on their faces even when the audience is laughing, their lines must be delivered slowly and without expression or interest. Each one stands to read their lines off of their copy of the script and then sits down once the line is finished; the next character waits until the audience's laughter subsides before standing to deliver the next line.


The Story of Snow White


Narrator The story of Snow White (sits and stands again)

Narrator I am the Narrator

Snow White I am Snow White

Wicked Queen I am the Wicked Queen

Mirror I am the Mirror

Huntsman I am the Huntsman

Handsome Prince I am the Handsome Prince

Dwarves Due to the cutbacks, I am the seven dwarves

Narrator Scene One (sits and stands again)

Narrator The Castle

Wicked Queen Who is the fairest of them all

Mirror Snow White, 0 Queen

Wicked Queen Fetch the Huntsman

Huntsman Here I am

Wicked Queen Kill Snow White

Huntsman Yes

Narrator End of Scene One (sits and stands again)

Narrator Scene Two (sits and stands again)

Narrator The Woods

Snow White Why are we here

Huntsman I must kill you

Snow White Oh no, I am Snow White

Huntsman Alright, go away

Dwarves Hey ho, Hey ho (sits and stands again)

Dwarves Who are you?

Snow White I am Snow White

Dwarves Come home with me

Narrator End of Scene Two (sits and stands again)

Narrator Scene Three (sits and stands again)

Narrator The Castle

Wicked Queen Who is the fairest of them all?

Mirror Snow White, 0 Queen

Wicked Queen Fetch the Huntsman

Huntsman Oh dear

Wicked Queen What happened to Snow White

Huntsman She ran away

Wicked Queen I must find her

Narrator End of Scene Three (sits and stands again)

Narrator Scene Four (sits and stands again)

Narrator The Woods (sits and stands again)

Narrator Enter Wicked Queen (sits and stands again)

Narrator disguised

Wicked Queen Who are you?

Snow White I am Snow White

Wicked Queen Have an apple.

Snow White Thank you

Wicked Queen That is the end of Snow white

Narrator End of Scene Four (sits and stands again)

Narrator Scene Five (sits and stands again)

Narrator The Dwarves’ House

Dwarves Snow White, where are you?

Snow White Snore

Dwarves She is unconscious (sits and stands again)

Dwarves Where is our dinner

Handsome Prince I, the handsome Prince am riding by (sits and stands again)

Handsome Prince Who is this asleep, I will kiss her

Snow White Hello, I am Snow White

Handsome Prince You are beautiful

Snow White Yes

Handsome Prince Are you as good as you are beautiful

Snow White I am snow white, Marry me

Handsome Prince Yes

Narrator End of Scene Five (sits and stands again)

Narrator Finale

Wicked Queen I am furious

Mirror I am shattered

Huntsman I am fired

Dwarves We are hungry

Handsome Prince I am married

Snow White I am snow white
 

fenris

fenris
GuiderPlus
#7
THE STORY OF CINDERELLA

There are five characters, Narrator (N), Cinderella (C), Prince Charming (P), the Ugly Sisters (one actor only) (U), and the Fairy Godmother (F). They need not wear special costumes but it helps if they have some identifiable piece of apparel such as a top hat or bowler hat (N), a bow in the hair (C), a cardboard or plastic crown (P), a tasteless hat or wig (U) and a short wand (F). There should also be available a scruffy and threadbare carpet slipper. These props should be as improvised and basic as possible. The five actors sit on five chairs in a row facing the audience. They have absolutely blank expressions on their faces, even when the audience is laughing. Their lines are delivered slowly and deliberately, without expression or interest. Each one stands to deliver his or her lines and sits immediately afterwards, each one waiting for the previous speaker to sit before standing, and if the audience is laughing waits until the laughter subsides before continuing.

THE STORY OF CINDERELLA


NARRATOR The story of Cinderella. (sits and stands again)

NARRATOR I am the narrator.

CINDERELLA I am Cinderella

PRINCE C. I am Prince Charming

UGLY SISTERS I am the ugly sisters

FAIRY G. I am the Fairy Godmother

CINDERELLA I am beautiful

PRINCE C. I am handsome

UGLY SISTERS We are ugly

FAIRY G. I am good

NARRATOR Scene one, (sits and stands again)

NARRATOR the kitchen

CINDERELLA I am sad

UGLY SISTERS We are going to the ball. (sits and stands again)

UGLY SISTERS Clean our shoes.

CINDERELLA All right

UGLY SISTERS Iron our frocks

CINDERELLA All right

NARRATOR End of scene one (sits and stands again)

NARRATOR Scene 2, (sits and stands again)

NARRATOR the kitchen

CINDERELLA I am sad

FAIRY G. Why are you sad?

CINDERELLA I am not going to the ball

FAIRY G. You shall go to the ball

CINDERELLA All right

NARRATOR Appear one coach (sits and stands again)

NARRATOR Plus accessories

FAIRY G. Be back before twelve

CINDERELLA All right

NARRATOR End of scene 2(sits and stands again)

NARRATOR Scene 3, (sits and stands again)

NARRATOR the ball

UGLY SISTERS Who's that?

PRINCE C. She's beautiful (sits and stands again)

PRINCE C. Will you dance?

CINDERELLA All right

ALL (stand) DONG!!

CINDERELLA I must go

PRINCE C. She has left her slipper

NARRATOR End of scene 3 (sits and stands again)

NARRATOR Scene 4, (sits and stands again)

NARRATOR the kitchen

CINDERELLA I am sad

NARRATOR Enter Prince Charming

PRINCE C. Try this

UGLY SISTERS It fits

PRINCE C. No it doesn't (sits and stands again)

PRINCE C. Try this

CINDERELLA It fits

PRINCE C. It does. I love you.

CINDERELLA I love you.

PRINCE C. Marry me

CINDERELLA All right (Sits and stands again)

CINDERELLA I am happy

UGLY SISTERS We are sad

PRINCE C. I am married

FAIRY G. I am still good

NARRATOR The End
 

fenris

fenris
GuiderPlus
#8
THE STORY OF GOLDILOCKS AND THE 3 BEARS

There are five characters, Narrator (N), Goldilocks (G), Father Bear (F), the Mother Bear (M), and Baby Bear (B). They need not wear special costumes but it helps if they have some identifiable piece of apparel such as a top hat or bowler hat (N), a bow in the hair (G), a pair of slippers or newspaper (F), a floral apron (M) and a bib, rattle or toy (B). Inappropriate casting adds to the effect. The five characters sit on five chairs in a row facing the audience. They have absolutely blank expressions on their faces, even when the audience is laughing. Their lines are delivered slowly and deliberately, without expression or interest. Each one stands to deliver his or her lines and sits immediately afterwards, each one waiting for the previous speaker to sit before standing, and if the audience is laughing waits until the laughter subsides before continuing.

GOLDILOCKS AND THE 3 BEARS


NARRATOR The story of Goldilocks and the 3 bears.

(sits & stands again)

NARRATOR I am the narrator.

GOLDILOCKS I am Goldilocks

FATHER BEAR. I am Father Bear

MOTHER BEAR I am Mother Bear

BABY BEAR I am Baby Bear

NARRATOR Scene 1

NARRATOR the Bears’ cave

MOTHER BEAR I am making porage

MOTHER BEAR So much for gender equality.

FATHER BEAR I am hungry

BABY BEAR Me starving

MOTHER BEAR Here you are

FATHER BEAR It is very hot

BABY BEAR Me hurt

MOTHER BEAR Of course it’s hot

FATHER BEAR We’ll go for a walk while it cools

BABY BEAR Me starving

NARRATOR Scene 2

NARRATOR later

GOLDILOCKS I have been walking

GOLDILOCKS I am hungry

GOLDILOCKS I smell porage

GOLDILOCKS That tasted good

GOLDILOCKS I am tired. I will sleep.

NARRATOR Scene 3

NARRATOR later

FATHER BEAR I am hungry

BABY BEAR Me starving

MOTHER BEAR We will have porage

FATHER BEAR My bowl is empty

BABY BEAR Me starving

GOLDILOCKS Snore

MOTHER BEAR Thief

FATHER BEAR I hear snoring

MOTHER BEAR it’s a thief

BABY BEAR Me starving

GOLDILOCKS Good porage

MOTHER BEAR Thanks

FATHER BEAR I am hungry

BABY BEAR Me starving

MOTHER BEAR I have no more porage oats

MOTHER BEAR I will have to cook something else

GOLDILOCKS Oh dear.

NARRATOR The end.
 

fenris

fenris
GuiderPlus
#9
THE STORY OF JACK AND THE BEANSTALK

There are five characters, Narrator (N), Mother (M), Jack (J), Genie (G), and Giant (L). They need not wear special costumes but it helps if they have some identifiable piece of apparel such as a top hat or bowler hat (N), a flowery apron (M), a baseball cap (J), a wizard’s hat or a torch (G) and an outsize hat (L) (it adds to the piece if the casting is as inappropriate as possible – e.g. the giant is portrayed by the smallest of the group). The five characters sit on five chairs in a row facing the audience. They have absolutely blank expressions on their faces, even when the audience is laughing. Their lines are delivered slowly and deliberately, without expression or interest. Each one stands to deliver his or her lines and sits immediately afterwards, each one waiting for the previous speaker to sit before standing, and if the audience is laughing waits until the laughter subsides before continuing.


JACK AND THE BEANSTALK


NARRATOR The story of Jack and the Beanstalk

MOTHER I am mother

JACK I am Jack

GENIE I am the Genie

GIANT I am the Giant

NARRATOR Scene 1

NARRATOR In the cottage

MOTHER We are poor

MOTHER We are hungry

MOTHER We will have to sell the cow

JACK I will take the cow to market

NARRATOR Scene 2

NARRATOR Going to market

JACK I am tired

GENIE I will buy your cow

GENIE Here is a bean

JACK OK

NARRATOR Scene 3

NARRATOR In the cottage

JACK I sold the cow

JACK I got a bean for her

MOTHER Oh no.

JACK I will plant it

It is growing

NARRATOR Scene 4

NARRATOR At the beanstalk

JACK I will climb it

MOTHER I don’t care

GIANT I am hungry

GIANT I will eat you

JACK Gold Coins

JACK I will take them

NARRATOR Scene 5

NARRATOR Later

MOTHER Those coins are useful

MOTHER Did the giant have anything else

JACK I will climb the beanstalk

GIANT I am hungry

JACK A hen laying golden eggs

JACK I will take it

NARRATOR Scene 6

NARRATOR Later

MOTHER That hen is useful.

MOTHER Did the giant have anything else

JACK I will climb the beanstalk

GIANT I am hungry

JACK A harp

JACK I will take it

GIANT Thief

JACK Oh dear

GIANT Come back

JACK I will cut down the beanstalk

MOTHER Oh dear

GIANT Ouch

NARRATOR The end
 

fenris

fenris
GuiderPlus
#10
THE STORY OF PUSS IN BOOTS

There are six characters, Narrator (N), Miller (M), Dick (D), Cat (C), Servant (S) and Farm Workers (F) (workers portrayed by one actor). They need not wear special costumes but it helps if they have some identifiable piece of apparel such as a top hat or bowler hat (N), a plain apron (M), a baseball cap (D), a pair of baseball or hiking boots (C) a tray (S) and a piece of straw to chew (F). The six characters sit on six chairs in a row facing the audience. They have absolutely blank expressions on their faces, even when the audience is laughing. Their lines are delivered slowly and deliberately, without expression or interest. Each one stands to deliver his or her lines and sits immediately afterwards, each one waiting for the previous speaker to sit before standing, and if the audience is laughing waits until the laughter subsides before continuing.


PUSS IN BOOTS


NARRATOR The story of Puss in Boots

MILLER I am the Miller

DICK I am Dick, the Miller’s Son

CAT I am the Cat

SERVANT I am the King’s Servant

FARM WORKERS Due to EU subsidy cuts, I am the Farm Workers

NARRATOR Scene 1

NARRATOR In the mill

MILLER I am dying

MILLER Here is my will

MILLER The mill goes to John

MILLER The wagon to William

MILLER The cat goes to Dick

DICK I am poor

NARRATOR Scene 2

NARRATOR Outside the mill

DICK I am homeless

CAT We won’t starve

CAT I will catch rabbits

CAT You can cook them

DICK We must leave

CAT Here is a rabbit

CAT We will take it to the king

NARRATOR Scene 3

NARRATOR At the palace

CAT Here is a rabbit for the royal kitchen

SERVANT Thank you

SERVANT The King and Princess are going out for a drive

CAT Thank you

NARRATOR Scene 4

NARRATOR Down the road

CAT I will get you a wife

CAT Go and swim in the river

DICK OK

CAT My master, the Marquis de Carabas, is drowning

SERVANT I will rescue him

DICK Thank you

DICK My clothes have been stolen

SERVANT Here is a blanket

SERVANT Climb into the carriage

NARRATOR Scene 5

NARRATOR Down the road

CAT Tell the king these fields belong to the Marquis de Carabas

FARM WORKERS We thought they belonged to an ogre

CAT I have killed the ogre

FARM WORKERS OK

SERVANT Who do these fields belong to

FARM WORKERS The Marquis de Carabas

NARRATOR Scene 6

NARRATOR The palace formerly belonging to the ogre

CAT Welcome to the palace of the Marquis de Carabas

SERVANT The Princess would like to marry the Marquis de Carabas

DICK OK

NARRATOR The End
 

elenopa

Brownie Guider
#11
Sleeping Beauty

MC: And now, ladies and gentlemen, we have the high spot of our Victorian Evening, a little known script from the archives of Balmoral Castle, where Her Majesty (Gawd Bless Her) was once wont to amuse the royal children at Yuletide with her very own Pantomime. It is of particular interest in what it reveals of the home life of our own Dear Queen Victoria. We understand that upon these jolly occasions, Her Majesty, members of her Cabinet and visiting dignitaries of the Kaiser's Court were often pressed to take part.

Ladies and Gentlemen; "The Sleeping Beauty, or We Are Not Amused."


Narrator: Once upon a time there was a king and queen who had no children. They were very sad, for there was no heir to inherit the kingdom.


King: We are the King. We are sad.


Queen: We are the Queen. We are not amused.


Fairy 1: I am a good fairy. I am kind. Ping (waves a wand).


Fairy 2: I am a wicked, nasty fairy. Pong (waves a stick). Nobody likes me.


All turn to the Wicked Fairy in silence.


King: There is no heir to inherit the kingdom.


Fairy 1: Ping. Your wish is granted. The queen will have a baby.


King: Good.


Queen: We are not amused.


Narrator: Soon all the kingdom was rejoicing at the birth of a beautiful baby girl.


ALL: (Tonelessly) Hurrah hurrah.


Narrator: True, it was not a prince to inherit the kingdom, but the king now had hope of many more children.


King: We live in hope.


Queen: We are not amused.


Narrator: Preparations were soon in hand for the most magnificent christening ceremony. All the good fairies were invited to bestow their gifts upon the infant princess. They promised she would be bonny and blithe and gay...


Fairy 1: She will be bonny, Ping!


Fairy 4: She will be blithe, Ping!


Fairy 3: She will be g...


Queen: We are not amused.


Narrator: But there was one fairy who was not invited to the christening.


Fairy 2: I am the very wicked evil fairy. Nobody likes me. Pong! (All turn to look silently at her). I have a gift too.


King: What is it?


Fairy 2: When the princess is 16 she will prick her finger and die.


Queen: We are not amused.


Fairy 3: I have not yet bestowed my gift.


King: What is it?


Fairy 3: She will not die.


King: Good.


Fairy 3: She will sleep for a hundred years.


Queen: We are not amused.


Narrator: Many years passed, and the princess grew to be a radiantly beautiful young woman.


Aurora: I am the princess Aurora. How radiantly beautiful I am.


King: Today you are sixteen.


Aurora: Good.


King: Now you are sixteen, there is something I must speak to you seriously about.


Aurora: Yes.


King: You must beware of spinning wheels.


Aurora: Oh.


Narrator: But the princess was possessed of an enquiring mind, and set out to explore the palace.


Aurora: Oh here is a door. I will open it.


Fairy 2: Hee hee. I am the wicked fairy. (waves stick) Pong! Come in, my dear.


Aurora: What is that in your hand, for I have never seen one of those before.


Fairy 2: Come and look.


Aurora: Oh! I feel a prick.


Queen: We are not amused.


Narrator: The princess fell to the floor and soon she was fast asleep. The palace also fell asleep. They slept for a hundred years. A tall, dense briar hedge grew up around the castle and, after a time, nobody remembered it. Then, one day, a handsome and debonair young prince came riding by.


Prince: I am the handsome and debonair Prince Albert. Gee-up. Oh! A briar hedge.


Narrator: He got off his horse and slashed at the hedge.


Prince: Let me have a slash at this hedge. Slash. Slash.


Narrator: The hedge parted and the prince found the sleeping castle.


Prince: They are all asleep.


ALL: (Loud snoring noises)


Narrator: Exploring the palace, the handsome and debonair young Prince Albert found the sleeping Princess.


Prince: I am the handsome and debonair Prince Albert. Oh. Here is a pretty lady covered with dust. I will kiss her.


Aurora: Did you kiss me?


Prince: Yes.


Aurora: Now you will have to marry me.


Prince: All right.


Aurora: Let us tell the King and Queen.


Narrator: The Prince and Princess hurried to tell Their Majesties what the Prince had done.


King: You must marry my daughter.


Queen: We are not amused.


Narrator: And so they all lived happily ever after.


(All stand and bow)


DRAMATIS PERSONAE


Narrator

King

Queen

3 Good Fairies

1 Rotten Fairy

Aurora

Prince Albert

MC.