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Oh you'll never get to heaven...

EmStar

Veteran (100+ posts)
GuiderPlus
#1
I've had this tune in my head for a while (it was one of my favourites when I was a guide) but the only verses I can remember are 'biscuit tin- crummy ones in' and '*insert leaders name*'s car/bra- won't get/stretch that far'

Can anyone suggest any more verses? I'd love to sing it with my guides or at least move the tune along in my head!

Edit- and although I couldn't find it with a search there are now lots of similar threads listed below, sorry. I suppose does anyone know any fun local variations?
 

Sunny2nd

Guide and Ranger Leader
GuiderPlus
#2
When singing Leader sings line of verse and rest repeat.

Chorus:
I ain’t gonna grieve my Lord no more,
I ain’t gonna grieve my Lord no more,
I ain’t gonna grieve...
my Lord, no more, any more.


Oh you’ll never get to heaven,
On a boy scout’s knee,
Cause a boy scout’s knee,
Is too wobbly.
Chorus

Oh you’ll never get to heaven,
On Brown Owl’s bike,
Cause half way there,
You’ll have to hike.
Chorus

Oh you’ll never get to heaven,
On a bottle of gin,
Cause the Lord won’t let,
No spirits in.
Chorus

Oh you’ll never get to heaven,
In a biscuit tin,
Cause the Lord won’t let,
No crummy ones in.
Chorus

Oh you’ll never get to heaven,
On a roller skate,
Cause you’ll roll right past,
Those pearly gates.
Chorus

Oh you’ll never get to heaven,
In a limousine,
Cause the Lord ain’t got,
No gasoline.
Chorus

Oh you’ll never get to heaven,
On a Jumbo Jet,
Cause the Lord ain’t got
No runways yet.
Chorus

Oh you’ll never get to heaven,
In a sardine tin,
Cause a sardine tin’s,
Got sardines in.
Chorus

Oh you’ll never get to heaven,
In an old Ford car,
Cause an old Ford car,
Won’t get that far.
Chorus

There’s just three things,
You must not do,
You must not swear,
Nor spit, nor chew.
Chorus

If you ever get to heaven,
Before I do,
Just dig a hole,
And pull me through.
Chorus


Found some more verses...

Other verses include:
... in a rocking chair
'Cause the rocking chair won't take you there.

.. in a trolley car
'Cause the gosh darn thing won't go that far.

... on a rocket ship
'Cause the rocket ship won't take that trip.

... on a pair of skis
'Cause you'll schuss right through St. Peter's knees.

... in dirty jeans,
'Cos the Lord don't have no washing machines.

"That's all there is. There ain't no more,"
St. Peter said, and closed the door.
 
Last edited:

rugbynutter

Rainbow Guider & Ranger
GuiderPlus
#5
Maybe not suitable for younger sections, but:

Oh you never get to Heaven
With a bottle of gin
'cause the Lord won't let
Those spirits in.

And a variation on the Boy Scouts' knobbly / wobbly knee....

Oh you never get to Heaven
On a Boy Scout's knee
'cause you never know
Where his hands might be!
:eek:
 

Tawnyowl51

Veteran (100+ posts)
#6
Oh you'll never get to heaven
as newly weds
cos the Lord aint got
no double beds

on a bag of chips
cos the Lord don't like
those greasy lips

on a ping pong ball
cos a ping pong ball
is far too small

on a (Your town's ) bus
cos a ( your town's) bus
you've got to push
 

badgemad4

Veteran (100+ posts)
#8
You'll never get to heaven on an explorer/networkers knee,
Cus you DEFINITELY know where his hands'll be!

You'll never get to heaven in centenary/ raspberry pink,
Cus guidings blue, and that's what the Lord does think!

…QE2 , cus the QE2 ain't got no loo. (Bit outdated tough!)
…bake bean tin, cus a baked bean tins got baked beans in.
…piece of glass, cus you might just fall and cut your…elbow (!)

For the chorus you can some variations:
I ain't gonna grieve no more, I ain't gonna grive no more, I ain't gonna gr(eeiiive, going up and down a bit) no more.

I ain't gonna drink, I ain't gonna swear, I ain't gonna pull my sisters hair, I ain't gonna grive my lord no more.
 

Sunny2nd

Guide and Ranger Leader
GuiderPlus
#9
For the chorus you can some variations:
I ain't gonna grieve no more, I ain't gonna grive no more, I ain't gonna gr(eeiiive, going up and down a bit) no more.

I ain't gonna drink, I ain't gonna swear, I ain't gonna pull my sisters hair, I ain't gonna grive my lord no more.
or
I ain't gonna grieve no more, I ain't gonna grieve no more, I ain't gonna grieve, my lord no more, any more.
I ain't gonna drink, I ain't gonna swear, I ain't gonna whoops I wouldn't dare, (shocked voice) I ain't gonna grieve my lord no more, any more.
 

chopperchick

Veteran (100+ posts)
Staff member
GuiderPlus
Moderator
#10
I suppose does anyone know any fun local variations?
We referred to our local bus / coach company ...... rather unfairly at times in hindsight!

You'll never get to heaven in a {insert bus company's name} bus,
'cos a {insert bus company's name} bus is full of rust

They've been defunct for years, but some of the leaders were at the same units as kids so teach the verse ...... the kids have no idea of this mythical bus company (nor indeed that we ever hired a bus to go to camp on .......)
 

Tregi

Veteran (100+ posts)
#11
for the ending (when you've had enough fun!!!)
If you get there,
before I do
Then dig a hole
and pull me through

If I get there,
before you do
I'll dig that hole
and spit on you!

That is the end
There is no more
St Peter said
as he shut that door
 

MummyOwl

Brownie Leader
#12
for the ending (when you've had enough fun!!!)
If you get there,
before I do
Then dig a hole
and pull me through

If I get there,
before you do
I'll dig that hole
and spit on you!

That is the end
There is no more
St Peter said
as he shut that door
and went to bed!
 

Orly

Veteran (100+ posts)
#13
Maybe not suitable for younger sections, but:

Oh you never get to Heaven
With a bottle of gin
'cause the Lord won't let
Those spirits in.

And a variation on the Boy Scouts' knobbly / wobbly knee....

Oh you never get to Heaven
On a Boy Scout's knee
'cause you never know
Where his hands might be!
:eek:

As a more adult one, we've had, 'never get to heaven on a piece of glass/piece of glass might cut your finger'
 

Mythical

Regular (50+ posts)
#14
We keep our verses of this song on a scroll. It's over 1m long and in 10pt type has over 100 verses, PLUS some made up ones in felt tip on the back. It's a daft thing but our Guides insist they hate singing but will ALWAYS fight over "the scrolls" lol!
 

jim

Moderator
GuiderPlus
#15
you never go to heaven in xxxxs bra cos xxxxs bra wont stretch that far
or xxxx brar is to big (or too small)l to go that far